Dear God, even if I walked out the door today and not a single person in the world loved me or cared for me, as long as You love me, that is good enough for me. Amen.

Sometimes I just lose sight of the end, forget the gravity of things, miscalculate the extent of love that could compel One to die for all. When I look at myself from a third person's point of view, nothing I do or say or think or fathom could ever seem mature enough to understand or to just be at the same level as so many others or even to express enough any trace elements of gratitude. So why the inferior feelings? Or ..not. What is this.. Web that I've gotten myself entangled in? Can you do anything better than to give it your all, your best, and not give ground to other temporal things that resemble wisps of invisible smoke from an air freshener? But they seem so enticing, no? So full and so beautiful to behold. That is from man's perspective. So when will you learn to see the things of God, and not the things of man?

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. So what's my idol? What's the problem now? It's pretty blatant, really. Or maybe just the former. How do you deal with something that refuses to get lost? It was sincere, okay, not anything to do with adolescent impulses, I meant that. I want to go back to being 12. Or skip all the way to my 20s. Because this ____ lark is really killing me. All I can do now is read my bible, play my guitar, and hope my heart mends in time. 'Cause it'll all get better in time. Won't it?

Do I look like I'm okay? Maybe that's 'cause I mask it well. Do I look out of sorts? Blame my poor facial control. And I try not to assume. Anything, so you had better not be me. Why would I think that in the first place? Or maybe I'm overreacting. I'm this close to be far, far, far away from cleanliness. So wake me up.

Singapore 1 - 0 Thailand

Duric 38'

<3

Hey! It's not quite that secret. Was it a mere, casual passing-by glance, or was it intentional? Intentional, I hope. No I don't hope anything. Anyway. Three point five. Because 3.5 and a fullstop doesn't look nice. It looks like I forgot an extra number after the fullstop. Not that I'm complaining - or that I'm in any position to - but, - and honest! I got my just desserts - I'm just. *Mental reboot* Many things are running through my head. Which is normal, unlike Charles at Singapore Idol, whose mind was blank right before his results. I mean seriously! He could have been thinking of so many things! Am I in the top 3? Bottom 3? Can I get to the finals? Am I handsome? Okay, so I ran out of things for him to think of, but hey! His brain, his thoughts. I shouldn't be thinking of things for him to think about. Go figure. Is 3.5, which is lower than the 50th percentile, enough to secure me my choice of options? Does it affect my confidence? What are my options, actually? So many things to worry about. Almost as though I'm strong enough to carry them all. As though His everlasting arms cannot carry me, cannot hold me up, as though He is not sufficient for me because 4H2 subjects is just too much for the God who created the heavens, the earth and Facebook. You should be ashamed of yourself. Can you not even be faithful in the small things, like QT, or reading the Bible, and then how can you expect to be faithful in big things, and how can you expect Him to do miracles when you don't fulfil your part? He must be so disappointed. But give me another chance to start afresh?

I'm finally starting to understand what she meant by that mid-teen, everything-cool-is-not-cool-anymore phase.

And don't make me read others' well-constructed literatures and mature blogs, because I am undeniably proud, and it makes me feel inferior, so you can scrap that. If I could find you now, things would get better. We could totally leave this town and RUN forever. I know somewhere somehow we'll be together. So let your waves crash down on me and take me awayayay.